begin where o where?
why do both "blogspot.com" and "blogger.com" redirect you to the same place? perchance they used to be separate? seems greedy to me, no matter the cure.
the best part of my summer ended one week ago. it featured hot tubs, alcohol, latent staph infections, downtown, going out to dinner, "stepbrothers," and good friends. social seclusion sucks as much from both sides, fyi.
aside. my dad came into the room of requirement today whilst I was video gaming with one of my brother's friends and told dom and I that we had to vacuum the house or we couldn't go out that evening. I laughed audibly.
as a public service, I'm trying to obtain a house (with alex) that can serve as the new aly's room for the coming term. yes, yes, it was kyle's too, but it was aly's first.
you know how some songs have power? "sound(s} of silence" is one for me, definitely thanks to its frontrunning "the listening project" at antioch. I used to not be able to listen to it, either, but now I listen to it (probably) too much.
mr. jeffrey eugenides brings up an interesting point in "middlesex" about defining moments - things that you carry for the rest of your life because it was like one of those lightning flashes that shows you every damn things in the night (bad analogy. sorry). continuing with that, you don't really realize at first what you're looking at; it has to go dark again before you can really assimilate it. well, long interlude finished, that was antioch for me. godfuckingdamn do I miss that place sometimes.
jenna's done in the utah woods. now, she's in a group home in oregon, along with the rest of her cult inductees. this is sadsadsad beyond belief. oh, and she's on the necessary myspace again. I could have dealt with not talking to her for a year, even if she came back a completely changed person. I don't know if I can deal with watching the myspace chronicle of the change taking place. I just fucking hope to the fucking universe that she survives this "you are wrong" bullshit.
my dad tried to cut my hair. I have a bald patch over my ear. otherwise, it doesn't look horrible.
evidently "feroc" (fer-oesh) is the new "fab." as much as I like the evolving english language, can we please have a gay coinage that isn't an obvious shortening of a word? please? this is just reinforcing the stereotype that gay men are dummies.
after watching "across the universe" with melyssa and lauren (and post-"mamma mia!"), I started wondering about another contemporary band musical. I would support 1) R.E.M. 2)the police 3) fleetwood mac 4) eurhythmics 5) green day. the b-52s would likely kick ass as well. anyone wanna help me make a movie?
from last year's trip to mexico, when we took my non-aunt aunt polly with us (she's a photographer {pertinent characterization}), we have several quality photos that my mom framed this weekend. my parents, looking happy and parent-like, smiling and holding each other. one each of my brothers on their dirtbikes, jumping. me, far away, on a rock at the edge of the ocean. it should be noted that I look like a chubber from that far away.... conclude what you will. I have.
man, I sound like an angsty sonuvvabitch. I am, actually. now that alex's back, now that it's august, I want to get out of here. the thing is, I'm at the point (and maybe have been for a while) where the benefits of home (mainly, not paying for anything) are overshadowed by the benefits of living somewhere else. home. note the usage. literary fiction in everyday life is an issue that faces us today, motherfuckers.
a last note: the youngest one starts his sophomore year tomorrow. I'm old. also antsy. also cabin feverish.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Saturday, July 5, 2008
I have:
1) a bottle of melyssa's unopened vodka in my closet.
2) a bit less than a half a tank of gas in my car.
3) no dad or middle brother through next tuesday.
4) about thirty dollars in my bank account, total.
5) a Real Porn Name.
6) a healthy contempt for my parents.
7) a new group of songs on my iTunes, including radiohead's "creep," which is pretty awesome. also worth noting is that the version used in rock band is edited so they say "very special" instead of "fucking special" at various points in the song. hypocrites.
8) an invitation to go camping with the man I still like. I cannot, thanks to items (2) and (4).
9) a dance party mix, compiled by me and melyssa, ready to be played when my parents go to mexico for all my awesome peeps who are coming to stay & dance (right?)
10) a grandmother I love dearly but who has also decided that she's going to come stay while my parents are in mexico and must be dissuaded.
11) zero apartments for next term. help?
12) four half-hour scripts for my new series. ah, high school. (think an american "degrassi." it's pretty awesome.)
13) returned friends from abroad.
14) a canker sore.
15) several overdue library books, including two by david sedaris, a short work by dennis cooper, and a book of richard siken's poetry.
16) two drumsticks currently propping up my head as I lay on my bed and write this. don't try and picture it.
17) three pairs of broken sunglasses, and none that work.
18) gotten over seeing myself naked and engaging in various acts, thanks to editing my own porn.
19) always wanted to fly.
20) now finished this list.
1) a bottle of melyssa's unopened vodka in my closet.
2) a bit less than a half a tank of gas in my car.
3) no dad or middle brother through next tuesday.
4) about thirty dollars in my bank account, total.
5) a Real Porn Name.
6) a healthy contempt for my parents.
7) a new group of songs on my iTunes, including radiohead's "creep," which is pretty awesome. also worth noting is that the version used in rock band is edited so they say "very special" instead of "fucking special" at various points in the song. hypocrites.
8) an invitation to go camping with the man I still like. I cannot, thanks to items (2) and (4).
9) a dance party mix, compiled by me and melyssa, ready to be played when my parents go to mexico for all my awesome peeps who are coming to stay & dance (right?)
10) a grandmother I love dearly but who has also decided that she's going to come stay while my parents are in mexico and must be dissuaded.
11) zero apartments for next term. help?
12) four half-hour scripts for my new series. ah, high school. (think an american "degrassi." it's pretty awesome.)
13) returned friends from abroad.
14) a canker sore.
15) several overdue library books, including two by david sedaris, a short work by dennis cooper, and a book of richard siken's poetry.
16) two drumsticks currently propping up my head as I lay on my bed and write this. don't try and picture it.
17) three pairs of broken sunglasses, and none that work.
18) gotten over seeing myself naked and engaging in various acts, thanks to editing my own porn.
19) always wanted to fly.
20) now finished this list.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
my mother watches hgtv with a regularity usually associated with the breeding habits of rabbits.
it doesn't do much for me, but I do take note sometimes. today's topic, then: the world and the crazy homosexual. to say that the majoritive perception bothers me is an understatement, but let me clarify with an example. there's one show in particular, design star, that features a wily homo who exemplifies the stereotype. mannerisms and voice, for one, but that's not something I hold anyone accountable for; you can't change how you sound. no, rather: he buddy-buddies up to the woman he doesn't like, offers to help her and praises her design, and then turns to the camera and lambastes her. he brings inarticulacy to an art form, and his entire descriptionary vocabulary consists of the words "fab" and "fierce."
let's say I was myself - no perceptual or ideological changes (throw away the heisenberg uncertainty principle for a moment) - only straight. what would I think of the gay male, given the (albeit limited, compared to most people) exposure I've had to pop culture? to design star and the like, and sitcoms like will & grace, and movies where the gay best friend is caricatured to judge and have no independent thought? in other words, what is the gay male to a population brought up on sex and the city and fashion magazines? I would wager that we/they are nothing more than accessories, something that culture informs women that they should obtain and use, much like an extra large purse or a floofy little dog. it's a dehumanization of the other; simply because majoritive society has accepted that, yes, gay exists doesn't mean that any credibility is granted to gay individuals. instead, we/they are presented as static characters who pass superficial judgments on everyone and covet the latest glossy covers and, if things such as queer as folk enter the picture, fuck the brains out of each other while getting high. it's not only a dangerous perception for the heteronormative population, it's damaging to gay individuals as well because it's a sort of back-reclamation: because society tells us/them "this is what we expect of you," that's all that gets striven for. where are the out gay men in senior residency or attending physician positions in health care? where are the out gay men in the high business world? where are the out gay men in any of the world's political arenas? where are the out gay men in science, in everything from mythbusters to the NASA labs? where are they? they're waiting in the backrooms of bars, snorting god knows what and lapping like dogs after britney spears and tyra banks because that's all that both the heteronormative and homonormative majorities have established as acceptable for the out gay male.
there's no world changing going on here. change happens, and there are a few who are well-regarded, for whom gay is simply an adjective, not the adjective. david sedaris. george takei. but, really, there aren't many.
hmph. this is going to change.
it doesn't do much for me, but I do take note sometimes. today's topic, then: the world and the crazy homosexual. to say that the majoritive perception bothers me is an understatement, but let me clarify with an example. there's one show in particular, design star, that features a wily homo who exemplifies the stereotype. mannerisms and voice, for one, but that's not something I hold anyone accountable for; you can't change how you sound. no, rather: he buddy-buddies up to the woman he doesn't like, offers to help her and praises her design, and then turns to the camera and lambastes her. he brings inarticulacy to an art form, and his entire descriptionary vocabulary consists of the words "fab" and "fierce."
let's say I was myself - no perceptual or ideological changes (throw away the heisenberg uncertainty principle for a moment) - only straight. what would I think of the gay male, given the (albeit limited, compared to most people) exposure I've had to pop culture? to design star and the like, and sitcoms like will & grace, and movies where the gay best friend is caricatured to judge and have no independent thought? in other words, what is the gay male to a population brought up on sex and the city and fashion magazines? I would wager that we/they are nothing more than accessories, something that culture informs women that they should obtain and use, much like an extra large purse or a floofy little dog. it's a dehumanization of the other; simply because majoritive society has accepted that, yes, gay exists doesn't mean that any credibility is granted to gay individuals. instead, we/they are presented as static characters who pass superficial judgments on everyone and covet the latest glossy covers and, if things such as queer as folk enter the picture, fuck the brains out of each other while getting high. it's not only a dangerous perception for the heteronormative population, it's damaging to gay individuals as well because it's a sort of back-reclamation: because society tells us/them "this is what we expect of you," that's all that gets striven for. where are the out gay men in senior residency or attending physician positions in health care? where are the out gay men in the high business world? where are the out gay men in any of the world's political arenas? where are the out gay men in science, in everything from mythbusters to the NASA labs? where are they? they're waiting in the backrooms of bars, snorting god knows what and lapping like dogs after britney spears and tyra banks because that's all that both the heteronormative and homonormative majorities have established as acceptable for the out gay male.
there's no world changing going on here. change happens, and there are a few who are well-regarded, for whom gay is simply an adjective, not the adjective. david sedaris. george takei. but, really, there aren't many.
hmph. this is going to change.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
in recent news
melyssa and I picked up a hitchhiker who was profoundly drunk and very giggly last night. it was extra great, because we passed her once whilst she thumbed at us, decided that a skinny college-student-type probably wouldn't kill us, turned around, drove past her the other way, flipped another bitch, and picked her up. as I said then, now she thinks we're the ones trying to get her. I think we were pretty non-gonna-slaughter-you, and she smelled pretty alcoholly, so neither party was in much shape to do much damage to the other. we can, however, add it to the checklist of life achievements: picked up a hitchhiker, check. yeah!
we also spent a great deal of time (a couple of hours) in the square yesterday morning. it reminded me of several things - that I do like being around people, mostly (I've started to think this isolation is making me agoraphobic), and that I don't like being in prescott. both of those I knew, but kinda in a shimmery, blown-bubble kind of way. I got to eat at wildflower. sweet. also went to the dentist, which is not so sweet. the dentista people are nice, to be fair, but the actual dentist is somewhere along the lines of mind-numbing in his protracted conversations, and the hygienist is a perky breeder. I remember this from last time, too, but she alludes time and again to the whole marriage-kids thing after college. I get mine back: I make not-so-subtle digs at sorostitues (thank you, kyle) and such, which I think she was in a past (college) life.
'twas my brother's birthday. 15. we bought him rock band, which is TEH FUN. no joke. by god, maybe I sing badly, but if I do I'm going to sing badly and BE SCORED. and for some reason the game seems to think I don't sing badly. career change, here I come.*
(*joke. but it is a fun game.)
melyssa and I picked up a hitchhiker who was profoundly drunk and very giggly last night. it was extra great, because we passed her once whilst she thumbed at us, decided that a skinny college-student-type probably wouldn't kill us, turned around, drove past her the other way, flipped another bitch, and picked her up. as I said then, now she thinks we're the ones trying to get her. I think we were pretty non-gonna-slaughter-you, and she smelled pretty alcoholly, so neither party was in much shape to do much damage to the other. we can, however, add it to the checklist of life achievements: picked up a hitchhiker, check. yeah!
we also spent a great deal of time (a couple of hours) in the square yesterday morning. it reminded me of several things - that I do like being around people, mostly (I've started to think this isolation is making me agoraphobic), and that I don't like being in prescott. both of those I knew, but kinda in a shimmery, blown-bubble kind of way. I got to eat at wildflower. sweet. also went to the dentist, which is not so sweet. the dentista people are nice, to be fair, but the actual dentist is somewhere along the lines of mind-numbing in his protracted conversations, and the hygienist is a perky breeder. I remember this from last time, too, but she alludes time and again to the whole marriage-kids thing after college. I get mine back: I make not-so-subtle digs at sorostitues (thank you, kyle) and such, which I think she was in a past (college) life.
'twas my brother's birthday. 15. we bought him rock band, which is TEH FUN. no joke. by god, maybe I sing badly, but if I do I'm going to sing badly and BE SCORED. and for some reason the game seems to think I don't sing badly. career change, here I come.*
(*joke. but it is a fun game.)
Thursday, June 19, 2008
by my angry homeridden plaidclad hairy numb ass, I'm sick of this. that's it, not frustrated. sick of:
waking up in the middle of the night because I'm so sexually frustrated I can't sleep.
not talking to anyone in my household.
sounding depressed and weepy when I try. I do NOT affect this. it's annoying. I can be laughing with melyssa on the phone one minute, and bim bam boom someone asks me something and I'm depressed-sounding.
no social life. melyssa's great, stephen's house is okay, but enough of this. how long has it been? a month?
lying. I'm tired of lying. I wish I could just say, look parents I'm doing porn live with it.
I also want to make good money doing it.
I wish people were back. I wish jenna wasn't being reeducated. I wish alex was back. I wish I was making another movie. I wish melyssa was more able to do things. I wish for lauren, kyle, kat. sunny-kristin. antioch. man, I wish I could spend a day, a week, a month with jeremy.
I wish I had money. there, I said it. I hate it, I hate that the world runs on it, but I hate even more that I'm dead without it. dead. in the water, in the earth, worms crawling through my intestines and eating the shit there. take your pick. pick 'em all. hold on.
waking up in the middle of the night because I'm so sexually frustrated I can't sleep.
not talking to anyone in my household.
sounding depressed and weepy when I try. I do NOT affect this. it's annoying. I can be laughing with melyssa on the phone one minute, and bim bam boom someone asks me something and I'm depressed-sounding.
no social life. melyssa's great, stephen's house is okay, but enough of this. how long has it been? a month?
lying. I'm tired of lying. I wish I could just say, look parents I'm doing porn live with it.
I also want to make good money doing it.
I wish people were back. I wish jenna wasn't being reeducated. I wish alex was back. I wish I was making another movie. I wish melyssa was more able to do things. I wish for lauren, kyle, kat. sunny-kristin. antioch. man, I wish I could spend a day, a week, a month with jeremy.
I wish I had money. there, I said it. I hate it, I hate that the world runs on it, but I hate even more that I'm dead without it. dead. in the water, in the earth, worms crawling through my intestines and eating the shit there. take your pick. pick 'em all. hold on.
in non-depressed news, I had a great time with kyle tonight, I really enjoyed "the road," and I'm writing in a new style at a good clip. that makes me happy.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
haven't really talked to my dad since the day of irritation. this is, in many ways, an improvement - it's somewhere between the silent treatment and the amount of interest I was looking for/gauging anyway, so not really bad there. in fact, the problem of boredom really isn't - I'm not bored, just frustrated without any friends. like I've tried to explain, I'm reading a lot, writing better than I have before, but the problem is that I have no choice but to be passive versus active. I can't really experience anything new to write about ... but the happy there is that I have enough stored (and yet to be understood) that I'm good for now. just, you know, frustrated.
I'll have money in early july, because I *do* have a job. let's just say it's adult entertainment, video-related, and really not something I'd like to go into any depth with with friends other than to say "I work in porn." no, I don't have some big alter ego or double life. I'm just ... you know, doing it as a summer job. or something. plus, it's prescott, so it's mostly (all) alone. um, yeah, that's all.
speaking of such things, my family is leaving to go to mexico for my brother's birthday in late july (something like the 23 or 24th through the 28th or 29th), so take this as an open invitation to carpool up or down during that time and come keep me company in my large and empty house. check with me on dates, though. but, seriously, come. play. drink. save me from myself.
I don't really have much to complain about this time. I'm relatively happy, if also relatively stagnatory. oooh, I remember something good! I get to take jane woodman's graduate fiction class next term! that's exciting, that is.
mmm, okay, one last tangent. I love melyssa and would (maybe literally?) die without her here. I like stephen, too, and if it wasn't for going to his house, I'd probably go spare, since I can't really go to melyssa's, either. the problem is, they had to get into another relationship-thing where sex is happening and I am, quite plainly, an awkward third wheel since melyssa and I are best friends now and stephen has told me he wanted to fool around with me, too. and they're having sex. did I mention that? melyssa feels just as awkward about it as I do, I think (and she tells me), but at the same time, I'm not the one boning the guy, right?
and so it goes.
I'll have money in early july, because I *do* have a job. let's just say it's adult entertainment, video-related, and really not something I'd like to go into any depth with with friends other than to say "I work in porn." no, I don't have some big alter ego or double life. I'm just ... you know, doing it as a summer job. or something. plus, it's prescott, so it's mostly (all) alone. um, yeah, that's all.
speaking of such things, my family is leaving to go to mexico for my brother's birthday in late july (something like the 23 or 24th through the 28th or 29th), so take this as an open invitation to carpool up or down during that time and come keep me company in my large and empty house. check with me on dates, though. but, seriously, come. play. drink. save me from myself.
I don't really have much to complain about this time. I'm relatively happy, if also relatively stagnatory. oooh, I remember something good! I get to take jane woodman's graduate fiction class next term! that's exciting, that is.
mmm, okay, one last tangent. I love melyssa and would (maybe literally?) die without her here. I like stephen, too, and if it wasn't for going to his house, I'd probably go spare, since I can't really go to melyssa's, either. the problem is, they had to get into another relationship-thing where sex is happening and I am, quite plainly, an awkward third wheel since melyssa and I are best friends now and stephen has told me he wanted to fool around with me, too. and they're having sex. did I mention that? melyssa feels just as awkward about it as I do, I think (and she tells me), but at the same time, I'm not the one boning the guy, right?
and so it goes.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
complain rant complain here we go again
shouted down my dad last night in a restaurant for what I wrote in last time's journal. still won't talk to him. got reamed later for not respecting him because they've done so much monetarily for me (paraphrase). translation = we don't get you anymore, and instead of trying, we'll buy you off. I've heard of this, but it (1) saddens (2) disappoints (3) makes me angry. damn it all.
continuing the trend of what my family thinks of me, when I (nonchalantly) asked my brother if I gave him a dollar, if he would go an entire day without playing warcraft. he returned with if he gave me a dollar, would I stop writing for a week. so, says I, that's not a comparison, warcraft is a game, a hobby. followed by an insulting exchange in which I discovered that my brothers, at least, find what I do to be a complete waste of time.
familial support. isn't it strawberries and cream?
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