it's the wobblyness that's killing me.

see, 'cause I've been thinking about home v home v home (whatever that means). it is nice to have money and to not have to pay for meals or laundry or blah, blah, blah, but none of those are the reasons that I've stayed here for a week. I miss my friends like crazy, I miss going out and such, but it's the living situation that's stayed me.

it's easy to say I hate chris, amber, alex. I've said it before, I'm saying it now, I'll say it again (probably). but, really, I would like to be more decisive. around them, I'm not. if I really hated them, I would stop buying into (and re-selling) the bullshit and just letting it slide by when alex is "dana" and "she," or when I pretend to care about chris's inane problems with clubs and work. the inherent wobblyness, though, is in the daily conversation - if I'm talking about rent with chris, or with chris and alex, I can't refer to either of them by a pronoun, and I can only refer to chris by a proper name.

part of me says it's good practice for life, for dealing with inevitable people who I have to hide my opinions from. another part of me says, fuck that with a fucking splintered fucking pitchfork.

...actually, that part of me says "fuck" a whole lot, now that I think about it.

it's difficult to think about, because I'm not sure what to do. I'm going to make graduation cards that equal pleas for money and send them to relatives and random rich folks, because I need some cash monies. I have enough to pay rent and have enough left over for christmas presents (I think), but definitely not enough for another two months' rent. thus, I have to be out of my place by the end of december. not a problem, as I always planned it that way, and I don't have a lack of options as far as friends and places go. the mechanics, though? that's what has me confused. the evolving plan right now includes staying at home for a bit over new years and recollecting myself, but then what do I do with my bed and desk? I don't know. maybe a storage unit, but then how do I get it there?

I have a feeling this is minutiae, and I'm obsessing over it so I don't have to think about other things. speaking of those other things, I gave up on both brown and toronto because I couldn't make the deadlines. I sent out my transcript requests today for all the schools with due dates in january, and I added three more schools to the list.

I want to go to grad school so I can have a couple of years off to write, without having to do think about serious. how do I explain that in my letter of interest?

also, I'm switching my journal over soon. look at my profile for the new one.