went and spoke to brooke this afternoon. she's brooke, so she's positive, but she's done this whole applying to mfa business and she has the inside, rejected-by-all scoop. it was a kick in the complacency, sure, and I'm moving along now. still, I think I have the skills to beat them all. that's strange, because I'm usually trying to measure myself up and make like I could be the best. here, I feel like the best. I can't explain it, and I can't get rid of it either, but I'm ready to win. I know it'll be a long term in terms of working for it, but I have it. I can't shake that feeling.

I want to kill alex. if I do, someone please bail me out. fo sho: this kid has yet to change, except for the semi-annual "I'm too mainstream and now I need to be jewish/mexican/filipino/transgendered." I told melyssa over the summer that if I never saw alex again, I wouldn't necessarily regret that. I'm smarter than I give myself credit for.

I swear this term will be made up of more than bitching about alex and working on the novel / grad stuff.

I wonder where the anderson is, and if she'd write me a letter of recommendation. brooke says I need the best titles I can get, and she pretty much runs the poetry classes at nau, so I could do worse. she seemed to have some faith in me, anyway. I'd have to have backups, though, 'cause I'm not sure I'd ever hear from her again.

it's amusing: when I get writing and spinning (re-spinning) scenes, I feel like I've done a lot. "hey, yeah, I went to the hospital and broke up with my boyfriend today. no, wait...."

one more bitch-at-alex: he accused me this afternoon of not doing anything, ever, of just sitting in the room and ... whatever. I don't know. jerking off. fuck if I couldn't have punched his chubby fucktarded face. I try to let few things get to me, but the implication that I'm not doing anything when I'm writing gets to me. I mean, the root of the problem is that I know it's true - it's oscar wilde who said that, deep down, no one needs writing or books or any of it. but I chose this, I'm good at it, and if you want to fight me over it, put your fucking fists up if you're going to say I don't do anything.