swiss and cheese

I think I could act. I'm going to try again, anyway. indie is not a word I like. what's the alternative? no studio's going to pay for my project. my indie film. my indie short film. it's about playing. my indie short film about playing. playing. how many connotations does that have?

I'd love to study the psychology of fear. evolution of emotion. a biology class in speculative/alternative evolution. can I create my own schedule?

what? are you going to fix me?

my cat just licked my elbow.

I'd like to hear what I'd like to hear, sometimes. making a choice feels better than a forcing. a coercion. even if it's the wrong one. an addition to the antioch paradox? I chose it. I chose that path. now, here before me, I have a choice of walks. I have the power to end nau here. I choose not to. I choose not to! I choose not to run. could I get away? is that the question?

I'm a lead? a leader?

I choked my brother until he turned purplish for calling me a homo two days ago. I was upset I couldn't do more. I was annoyed I couldn't defend myself. that I didn't drop into the right stance. that I dropped the pencil first [in another situation].

in a way, I'm glad it's cold again. I'm justified in wearing pants. I'd really rather no one see what I did. I'd like an answer for why I did it. if I was a girl, I think I'd shave my head. guys with shaved heads are militaristic neo-nazis. girls with shaved heads are rebellious, deviant, sexy. double standards.

I mine myself for things to write about. problem? this romantic situation is stalled. it's boring. I need something to happen. problem? fucking things up is interesting for the not-me me, but for me it's not so good. maybe it's a good thing I fall in love easily. maybe it's a good thing few can recognize it. ice is my element. no water, no air, no fire, no earth. or all? ice. ice and shadow. I pick those, from the realm of video game elements.

what impact did switzerland ever have in the war?