I've tried before to think of things that a truly polarized.
white?
black?
no gray?
I think I've found it: statics and dynamics. either life is moving along or it isn't. I suppose it could be argued that statics don't even exist, as there's always forward momentum. my point is this: you can grab the wheel, or you can dig your nails into the bumper. yeah, yeah, I know, the steering wheel's at the front, the bumper's at the back, but whoever said I knew how to analogize?
this sounded smart in my head.
being home gives me a different perspective. I've remembranced at great length about antioch and its variegaties, especially how it changed me (and I it? I keep hoping). my main complaint about nau has been, continuously, how I'm static there. how I'm just waiting. how I'm hanging on as the car races along. how my nau theme song is "move along."
not anymore.
I'd be pressed to pin down exactly when things shifted, but they may've been doing it for a while. either way, I'm not the depressed kid who drove home every weekend a year ago. nor am I just down and jaded off antioch anymore. I've grown to like what I'm doing at nau, as well as who I am, who I know, and where things are going.
being home, then. I don't want to be here for extended periods of time. if I do summer school and graduate, then what? what do I do? go home again? no, no, I can't do that. what do I want to do? I think I've come to wanting to stay for next fall. oh, yes, there are reasons. in a nutshell, though, I don't want to displace again, and I have control this time. for the first time?
(would I have stayed at antioch if I could've made the counter-decision in december? signs point to yes.)
don't assumed I'm making this decision based solely on people. I know lauren will be gone in england, and dana-alex will be off somewhere. kat will have her grant (I firmly believe this). aly will be there. kyle, I hope? kristin-sunny will have moved back to the state. jessica will be at nau, and molly/jenny/sarah/kristin will still be around. there are no guarantees of anything long-term, as relationships go, but back in prescott? an ice cube is likelier to survive on phoenician july sidewalk. even if were to go to phoenix, and perhaps live with nanni or stay with kristin-sunny, I have no experience with that kind of thing. the last floor is that I like school, and I'd like to still be in a place where I can get my writing worked on and still learn things and expand myself to write things like how weather's a coming-of-age symbol in "the gryphon" or about the emergence stories of the diné. I guess I don't have huge problems with self-discipline - writer - but I like learning. I like learning! and, since I can't go to grad school for another year, I'd rather keep learning and stay in school than go out and try and wait tables while living my parents. godawful. godawful.
I plan to do a family-chronicling journal in a bit.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
It's all because of me, babe. I have this glorious, life-affirming affect on people.
HA.
Really though, I think it's great you are feeling good about where you are in life. Even when you feel like you are nowhere, going nowhere, you know the only other possibility is for life to move, to pick up speed. Eventually, you won't be hanging onto the back bumper anymore. But you have to admit, that great abyss in front of you, well, it's pretty exciting.
I knew it!
abysses are exciting, truly.
that's a good realization.
Post a Comment