it's the wobblyness that's killing me.

see, 'cause I've been thinking about home v home v home (whatever that means). it is nice to have money and to not have to pay for meals or laundry or blah, blah, blah, but none of those are the reasons that I've stayed here for a week. I miss my friends like crazy, I miss going out and such, but it's the living situation that's stayed me.

it's easy to say I hate chris, amber, alex. I've said it before, I'm saying it now, I'll say it again (probably). but, really, I would like to be more decisive. around them, I'm not. if I really hated them, I would stop buying into (and re-selling) the bullshit and just letting it slide by when alex is "dana" and "she," or when I pretend to care about chris's inane problems with clubs and work. the inherent wobblyness, though, is in the daily conversation - if I'm talking about rent with chris, or with chris and alex, I can't refer to either of them by a pronoun, and I can only refer to chris by a proper name.

part of me says it's good practice for life, for dealing with inevitable people who I have to hide my opinions from. another part of me says, fuck that with a fucking splintered fucking pitchfork.

...actually, that part of me says "fuck" a whole lot, now that I think about it.

it's difficult to think about, because I'm not sure what to do. I'm going to make graduation cards that equal pleas for money and send them to relatives and random rich folks, because I need some cash monies. I have enough to pay rent and have enough left over for christmas presents (I think), but definitely not enough for another two months' rent. thus, I have to be out of my place by the end of december. not a problem, as I always planned it that way, and I don't have a lack of options as far as friends and places go. the mechanics, though? that's what has me confused. the evolving plan right now includes staying at home for a bit over new years and recollecting myself, but then what do I do with my bed and desk? I don't know. maybe a storage unit, but then how do I get it there?

I have a feeling this is minutiae, and I'm obsessing over it so I don't have to think about other things. speaking of those other things, I gave up on both brown and toronto because I couldn't make the deadlines. I sent out my transcript requests today for all the schools with due dates in january, and I added three more schools to the list.

I want to go to grad school so I can have a couple of years off to write, without having to do think about serious. how do I explain that in my letter of interest?

also, I'm switching my journal over soon. look at my profile for the new one.

lordy, lordy, look who's sick of all the how-dee-do.
yep, that'd be me.

seriously. everyone's facebook status. the yahoo load page. the facebook load page. google ("find out where to vote today with google maps!"). yeesh. everything demands your vote, pops up a poll where you can confirm that you voted, asks for your help in rallying for X candidate (though I did see one for cthulhu, which made me laugh).... enough. it's my right, it's my privilege, and ultimately, it's my choice. apparently, change is only worth something if it's brought about through demands and coercion. (I don't think I really think that, I'm just in a cantankerous mood.) so, anyway, yes. I'll turn on the TV, have the results as background noise, but history's a tide. at least, I think so. it's said you can turn it, but I dunno - even the panama canal answers to lunar forces. man, and then I fall right into analogy. okay, waking up fully now. asterisk and later.

you know what's strange? I don't remember ever filling out an NAU application

tired, reasonlessly. still the AM, which is something I've not enjoyed for a few days. woke this morning full of potential. the day's important. important to record that realization, even if it comes to nothing. but what's nothing? I conjured driving to another city, but that's not necessarily earthquaking. finishing a story, seeing a carter or a ben, finding the phd programs. the world's wide.

also. I don't think "boys or stupid" (fill in "boys" with x term - gay men, women, lesbians, men, whatever) does justice to anyone. no group is inherently stupid (this led to a rift with mum this summer when she was unilaterally bashing republicans). individuals inform trends, which in turn transform into the charts our current mathematical epistemology has filled our heads with. everything is a trend. plato writing socrates didn't believe this, but I argued that by today, he's not right anymore. maybe it shouldn't be, but it is. is it any wonder we spend millions trying to understand the weather?

approaching the middle of october, and I can see how my own 'ships have shifted or sailed. as recorded before, my friends are win incarnate. I miss lauren, though, most of all. strange, because I miss both melyssa and jenna, but I feel the loss of lauren most deeply. it manifests itself through not wanting to speak to her and acknowledge the loss (which I'm trying to overcome). but with kyle, lauren and melyssa form a triumvir that I want to want to succeed, if for no other reason than my own selfish desire to see it done.

I remember why living with alex is bad, and I want to record it here for my future eyes: it's abuse, plain and simple. not physical, but. example: yesterday, I go downstairs to have lunch and find my unopened box of crackers open and two of its sleeves missing. of course it's alex, so I head up to his room and knock on his door. no answer, but I know he's in there ("sick or depressed," according to chris. "bullshit," according to me.) so I knock again. a sleepy what? from inside, so I say wake up. he does, I walk in. doesn't even try to hide it: there on the floor are my empty cracker sleeves, with only the crumbs left. he's eaten something like six dozen crackers since I had breakfast three hours before. there's not much to be said but I still ask did you eat my crackers? or something like it. he says he did, throws (literally throws) two wadded-up dollars at me, and finishes the exchange with with no one ever takes me to the fucking grocery store which I follow with what am I, your parent? but this is the danger, see, because not only does he not claim any negative responsibility for this - in his mind, he's done nothing wrong - but he blames me for it. because I haven't taken him to the grocery store, he's perfectly reasonable in his eating of my food, because I'm the one who's erred. my dad used to be very, very good at this kind of psychic manipulation, and while I know alex does this all the time, he does it in various ways - getting rides out of me, having me proofread his documents - that leave me forgetting the last and falling for it again. no more. this abuse ends.

also. might skewer him. emergency thorocotomy gone wrong. be warned and stay tuned.

random myspace additions. they happen. redrawn cliché: death, taxes, and random myspace additions. I normally ignore them, but the one I received today had to pinnacle the pedantry. read for yourself:
(an unknown gay male from minnesota. his "about me")

Hello bitch's my name is Doug, I Live in Minnesota, and have my whole life. I like to hangout my friends. I don't do drugs or get drunk i dont think u need to be high or drunk to have fun. I love to go to the gay 90s to watch the drag show i love it so much i wish i could do drag sometime lol. Also i enjoy going to movies, bowling, going up north to Breezy Point witch is close to Brainerd, and of course shopping duh what gay guy doesnt like shopping. Oh yeah if you have a proplem with me being gay then thats your proplem not mine that your closed minded and have your head up your ass and are prejustice. My thought on world is I think its a evil cruel place it hurts people are prejustice against people for all different excuses and it will never end and i hate the world sorry if think thats weird but thats how i feel



excuse me. I need to go lose my faith in the human race again.

this is the best craigslist ad I have ever seen. EVER. EVAR!!!!!!

ad:

Arch-Nemesis Wanted - (Flagstaff)

---

Reply to: pers-836150240@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2008-09-10, 9:08PM MST

I am in need of an arch-nemesis to help me reach my full potential. Motivation has been hard to come by lately, so Im looking for someone inherently inspiring and evil. My arch-nemesis should desire to hurt people since I am in health care. Also, you should be atleast a little overweight, have no problem mainting a long term relationship with a below average girl and have an above average if not brilliant IQ. Strong chess player and or cape wearer is a plus.

• Location: Flagstaff
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

if I tagged, would this be ideological? perception-based? grounded in epistemology? I dunno. anyway:

the gay barbeque tonight. a small group, spearheaded by ryan, and filled out with two other men besides me. interesting, because we were all not the gay-on-the-sleeve types. one of them came in later than the rest of us, and I immediately perceived him as highly attractive. as the night went on, he established himself as an arrogant, morally vapid blowhard, and so by the end of the night, he was very much less attractive. I don't mean that I found him less attractive because I had more to go on that physical perceptions, I mean that I actually found him less physically attractive. because I'd learned something about his personality, he was actually uglier to my eyes than he had been when I met him.

this is highly highly highly strange to me. also cool, don't get me wrong. says a bit about who I find attractive, though.